The Smallest Feet Leave The Biggest Imprints On Our Hearts

I have been married 5 years this May to the most wonderful man. I moved to South Dakota with my husband due to his career with the Military. After I finished nursing school in August last year we decided it was time to see if we could start a family. I had always been afraid that I couldn’t get pregnant or something would go wrong. I never had a reason to be anxious, but I was and I’m not sure why.

I found out I was pregnant in October and I was so over the moon I had prayed for this sweet baby. I found out very early so I waited awhile and then I told my husband, he was excited to finally be a daddy. I was super sick in the beginning I landed myself in the ER due to passing what they thought may have been a twin and dehydration. My first appt they saw what they believed was a polyp on my cervix but didn’t think it would interfere with the pregnancy. The second appt the polyp was still present. The polyp eventually disappeared and they couldn’t find it. November I had went back home to announce my pregnancy and everyone was beyond happy for us. We got the cute little shirt that said the turkeys not the only thing in the oven. My family started doing the needle and thread to figure out the gender (it indicated a girl). My family would continue to cast their votes on boy vs girl. Everyone shared their love for Baby H right away. I had gotten back to South Dakota and ended my employment with the hospital due to falling into a deep depression and prevention of high stress on me to protect baby. I started up another job after a month off that would allow me to practice as a nurse but in a lower stress environment. Immediately I had difficulty with constant sickness and fainting spells. Finally I was okay but we had an elevated AFP that we needed a targeted ultrasound for and a specialist to follow. We did the targeted scan and baby was looking great, but we still needed the specialist appt but couldn’t get one until Feb 20th although we found this potential issue out weeks prior. Two days after my 16 week appt I started bleeding, I called my OB they didn’t advise going to the hospital but I decided to go to the ER to ease my mind. They did an ultrasound and baby was okay with a great heartbeat. I continued to bleed and contacted my OB they were just monitoring and didn’t seem worried they thought it was the polyp that may have gone inside the cervix, but only ever guessed on ultrasounds if the polyp still existed as they couldn’t tell. Feb 7th I got off work in the morning and went home to rest before my 1230 anatomy scan. I laid in bed and felt a gush. I called the OB and went in early, at this point I had started contracting but didn’t know as I had no idea what they felt like. They did the anatomy scan and saw lower amniotic fluid and weren’t sure if my water had broke. Baby had a great heart beat and wiggles like she would always do. I had gone home to rest but these cramps I felt were 5 mins apart, I went back home and went straight back to the OB they placed me on a monitor and said the contractions weren’t close enough or strong enough to worry so go rest. For the next few days these cramps would come and go as if they were stopping. The bleeding had been very minimal so we thought it was back on the rise and continue the pregnancy like normal. We had a gender reveal on Feb 9 I woke up that morning and I felt intense sadness. I typed in my phone how I felt so scared because I wasn’t sure I would ever meet my baby. We found out we would be having our baby girl Sophya Marie. I was for sure I was having a boy because I thought this baby was giving me a run for my money and it had to be a boy. I was surprised to know my baby was indeed a girl, I had always wanted a baby girl. During this time I had no cramping or signs that things were going wrong. Feb 10 at 0830 I went to the bathroom and to my surprise looked down and my baby girl was making her entrance into the world at 20 weeks and 2 days. I was so shocked I called my mom and yelled for my husband. The ambulance ended up coming to get my due to baby not coming out completely. I made it onto the OB ward where a wonderful doctor and nurses delivered my sweet girl Sophya. The crew at the hospital were so delicate with my girl, so caring and gentle. She was silent, no movement and of course that’s not how I had ever imagined delivering my baby. Although silent, I was in pure awe of my little mini. She was beautiful, she had features of my husband and myself. She had the perfect button nose I had seen on the ultrasound. Her tiny little fingers and toes were just so cute. We spent hours cuddling her in peace. I’m forever going to be thankful that Sophya made me a mommy.

Pregnancy took me on a journey that tested me in more ways than one. From a possible loss of one baby early on, extreme morning sickness, severe depression, anxiety, elevated AFP that was unexplained, bleeding, and loss.

As the days pass by I’ve watched my belly shrink, I’ve had all the after effects of having a baby yet I don’t have a physical little one to show for it. I’m left with a tiny pink heart shaped urn. I always hope to wake up and this be just a bad dream. I’m going to feel an emptiness from now on, but I know I have Sophya Marie in my heart forever. I can’t be more thankful because I couldn’t imagine becoming a first time mommy to any other baby. She made me have a purpose and made me grow as a person. One day I will see my sweet girl again, until then I will honor her.