Everything is gloomy now. You’re sitting on your porch swing in the heat of summer, your skin feels like you just came out of a sauna! It is so hot! Almost sticky to the touch! Gross. I hate being hot. It’s 11:59 and the sun is right above you. It’s dim. It’s gray almost. You can’t notice how bright it really is because it’s just gloomy now. You want to see it, but you shouldn’t! It may sting a little too badly. You can’t get yourself to. You want to see and feel the golden beams kissing your skin, but you simply cannot. It used to feel warm and sweet… I think it may sting a bit more now. That would make it all just too real. Everyone’s saying its a beautiful day out, but you can’t see it. There’s bugs everywhere! My skin is sticky! You’re anxious. It’s just too hot! Yet it’s dim.
“You’re always so negative all the time. Why do you always focus on the bad?” “Why can’t you joke anymore. what happened?” “Why are you so serious.” “It’s so pretty out! Can’t you see it!” “You’re so blessed! You have so much to live for!” “Man, you’re so lucky you don’t even realize.” “Wow! look how far you’ve come. You should be so proud.”
But you can’t, it’s dim. It feels like it will always be dimmer now. You realize the alternative of happiness. You realize every great day can turn into simply the worst. You realize the negative now in every single situation, it’s just dimmer now. “You’ve changed.” I just lost my kid dude… of course I have changed… people say the craziest things sometimes! You could have everything, you could do everything right, you could follow all the rules and be simply the best person… but then the light dims. It’s just dimmer now. The circuit just breaks! Something breaks the current. You’re now on a different frequency. You don’t even know if you can flip the breaker at this point, because it changes you. It’s just dim now.
Well, you can’t flip the breaker. You’re trying and trying but it just won’t budge! C’monnnnn! MOVE! Flip already. I want to feel better. I want to feel that love again. I want to feel ALIVE again. Tears flood your eyes because you simply cannot fight them anymore, this happens sometimes. They say grief comes in waves but lately it’s been tsunamis. Tidal waves begin over taking your body to a point you feel it, you’re forced to. I am scared, I don’t feel like I can! I can’t just flip it! But, you’re right! You can’t just flip it. That’s cause you’re not just negative. You are aware. You’re aware of what can go wrong. You’re doing the best you can to protect yourself, and maybe be prepared! You go back to, Well, maybe if I dim the lights it won’t be so bright… maybe the ringing sound that floods your ears, and the pit in your stomach that makes you feel too weak to stand, maybe that will also be dimmed. Cause how is life supposed to be bright right after your child dies? This thought feels just criminal. Maybe, just maybe! You can be who you need to be for everyone if it’s all just a little dimmer. Maybe, you can catch something happening before it happens! Ugh, that would be hopeful… You already saw it coming… That is unrealistic, I know this is! I did everything I could. These thoughts need to just stop already, I know I did what I could! But maybe, just maybe, one day the dimness won’t feel so dim.
Maybe, when you’re ready, the sun will shine again. The sun is GOING to shine again! The new you is different than the old you, and she’s BEAUTIFUL. She is strong, full of love, and deserving to feel happiness again. And maybe, hopefully, you’ll realize the period of dimness was ok. it was ok because it was dim, it was not dark. The dimness still showed reflection, it still must’ve had light. Ok, ok! So, it was just dim, not dark! So that means I am just dim!! Not dark!.. So maybe, one day… it will be bright. Oh man… I can’t wait for it to be bright again… it’s going to get brighter. I want it to get brighter! Jordan would want it to be bright again! I deserve to feel brightness again.
One day, I’ll be sure it is bright buddy.
One day.
-Written by Gina Deater-
ThoughtsWithGUncut