To the girl that just had a miscarriage. Let’s get one thing straight; cause I’m sure you’ve heard it 5 times today, but you need to hear it again. You are not alone, it is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, there is nothing you could’ve done differently… The thing is people say God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle, and well that’s not always true. God didn’t want this for you. God doesn’t want you to lose your baby. In Genesis 1 God created earth for us to live in harmony with Him. Sickness, grief, sadness, hurt, that is all “allowed” due to the fallen world we live in. But what He does promise is He will carry us through it when we are faithful to Him. 1 in 4. 1 in 4 of the strongest warriors. 1 in 4 people that can somehow, someway, can take this tremendous overwhelming pain… and somehow help others. A roadmap for others hurting, maybe even bringing you and your husband closer, maybe to take inventory of your life, realizing life is precious… whether is a minute, an hour, a day, a year… and maybe somehow, someway, we will be ok.
People will tell you, “You are so strong, I could never be this strong.” The thing is when losing a child, you tell everyone you are ok because you can’t even begin to express the pain of losing a child. If you aren’t “ok” then you plummet. So then; process of elimination. You are “ok.” My gosh you have to be! You go on every day physically feeling the emptiness in your stomach, everyday a constant reminder you no longer have your baby on earth, but it has its wings above. It’s unfair, it’s not right, it hurts.
There is always pain. You walk past the baby aisle and tears fill your eyes, that should of been you. You hear kids playing outside and you get angry, your kid should be playing outside. You feel sadness as you see a pregnant lady at the super market, that used to be you. You feel guilty for even thinking these things but can’t just make them stop! You constantly question what you could’ve done different, wondering maybe that would’ve changed the outcome. You blame yourself for something you had no control over, when you know you shouldn’t. But you “know” a lot of things and that doesn’t take away the questions and the emptiness.
You get up every morning and cry. You cry because your reality wasn’t a dream, instead an absolute nightmare. You try to stay busy, ignoring the physical and mental healing, because it takes your mind off the sadness. You don’t know when you’ve eaten a solid meal last, or shoot maybe you can’t stop eating! Just HOPING this emptiness will be filled somehow.
But I’m here again reminding you, you will be ok one day. Not right now, not maybe next week, but one day. You are allowed to be angry. You ask “God why, why me, why MY baby, why have you forsaken me?” Remember, even Jesus cried out to God on the cross asking the same thing. This is what truly will be the thing that carries you.
I’m here to let you know, tomorrow morning the sun will rise, the leaves will change, the skies will remain blue showing their beauty, the wind will blow and you’ll feel your sweet baby. Your baby never left you, they’re still with you. The grief will be there, the love, it will all still be there. But one day you will be able to inhale and exhale just a little deeper. Though you don’t understand why, you have to know for whatever the plan is, God will be using you. No matter the sadness and absolute devastating heartbreak that has come your way, there will be good. You will one day be ok. It doesn’t mean it’s right, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t discredit any of these feelings above, but it gives hope. It gives hope that even though we live in this world that is corrupt with grief, sadness, sickness, and things that just aren’t just… that God always brings us through to the other side.
No, that doesn’t change the hurt, that you wanted THIS baby and THIS pregnancy. But one step at a time. One day at a time. One foot infront of the other. Shoot! That may even feel too much. One breathe at a time right now. One inhale, one exhale. Ok, good. You’re still here. You need to still be here! Cause well maybe when you keep choosing to fall forward you will get closer to that healing and that light that once flooded your heart and soul! You’ll feel that gentle wind and warm beam of sunlight as it kisses your skin. Instead of feeling the distance between, you will feel your baby leaving you with a sweet kiss not from above but right by your side. Closer than ever saying, “Mama, I got you.” Yes, you will never forget and never should forget. But maybe eventually this terrible pain will make you stronger. The only way that pain can be this debilitating is when it’s sourced from love. Use this pain to try to heal, so that when someone down the road experiences this terrible pain you have a roadmap for their hearts.
It’s ok to cry, scream, punch a pillow for all I care! This shows you, you’re in fact are still human. You may never know “why.” But we do know that you’re stronger than that girl that woke up yesterday morning. You will one day be ok. There’s no timeline to this, but there is hope. There is comfort. You may say, ok I’m reading this and hear I’ll make it, but how?! How do I get there?! The answer is keep going, keep choosing healing, keep choosing to feel those feelings, keep praying, keep saying their name, keep remembering. Healing isn’t linear. You have experienced trauma, heartbreak, and absolute devastation and the thing that’s going to keep you walking on that tightrope, is having hope. Hope that we will make it through all of this, come out on the other side, and that one day we will live in eternal paradise with our sweet angels. But until then, hope to just make them proud. Let me tell you, they are so proud.
I’m here, typing this, to the girl that just had a miscarriage. That girl I’m writing to… Well that girl is me, and I’m here to say. I am okay.
Jordan Deater. 22 weeks wasn’t enough. Your mommy loves you, and she’ll keep walking on that tightrope. One foot infront of the other.
Written by: ThoughtsWithGUncut , Gina Deater