He was perfect. It was all going perfect. I was 22 years old and I was LIVING! We had been married for 2 years, we had bought a house, we had our dogs! I had just won Fredericks Best of the Best Hairstylist, had my own salon suite. TRULY LIVING. Man, hot dogs sounded so good... except rather all the time. “What is wrong with you?” as me and my sister in law made our way through Hershey Park. “I have no idea but I just can’t stop thinking about hot dogs, haha!” “Maybe, you should take a test… I feel like that’s a little weird.” “No there’s no way we would be pregnant!”
It was perfect. 4th of July we had a fun day planned! Family, friends, pool, fireworks, beer! HOT DOGS!! We loved hanging out with friends without a worry in our minds. I decided to pickup one client that morning because, well I never knew how to slow down. Although this morning was different… Oh man I feel a little sick. Maybe I should take that pregnancy test my sister insisted I take… I hurried to the bathroom. 4 minutes before my client came. 3 minutes. 2 minutes. 1 minute. PREGNANT. Shut up…
Oh perfect, I thought as I saw the words flash infront of me as I grab my stomach as I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up all of my “Wake Up Wrap” I shoved in my mouth minutes prior. We wanted kids, but this soon? I don’t feel like we are ready for this! We are gonna be parents? Shoot my clients here, get it together.
I’m gonna be far from perfect at this, how am I gonna be a mom? I get home and prepare to let my husband know. I didn’t have words so I just flashed him the test as we are on our way to the party. “Shut up. There’s no way.” Fear rolls over both of us, but then it quickly turns into excitement! We laugh, so hard we are almost crying. How? Why? What now?
The appointments were perfect. Healthy. Strong, solid heartbeat, growing as normal, bloodwork appearing as normal! It all was going perfect. I had nausea, acne, bloating, I was fatiqued. It all appeared normal. It all felt normal. He flipped, spun around. It was going great.
It was perfect, until it wasn’t so perfect. My 20 week anatomy scan came. I was 21 weeks at the time but that didn’t matter because it all just felt so perfect. My biggest concern that morning was wondering if it was going to be a boy or a girl. How naive. The front desk let us know that the appointment would take about 40 minutes or so. “Would you like to find out the gender today?” “Sure that would be perfect.” I said. We make our way to the back and the tech begins the exam.
It wasn’t so perfect. I quickly realized something was wrong. Her demeanor completely changed. I saw a baby on the screen and what looked to be a face, and profile. The baby looked perfect. The tech told us that she couldn’t get a good read if it was a boy or girl and was going to have the doctor come talk to us. It was 9 minutes, far far from 40. Ugh! perfect! I’ll have to wait til the next appointment to figure this out. Still so naive.
“She’ll be right in.” “Perfect, thanks.” I felt frustrated, but also so naive thinking the baby was just in a funny position. I texted the family chat letting them know the baby was being stubborn already, just like their father… playing games with us. Until I realized this was no game. Maybe a game of Life, but not a fun one… one I had no idea I was about to start playing.
The doctor comes in to tell me that she had some concerns. She couldn’t see much of the babies abdominal organs and was concerned about them growing outside of his body. I got a quick rush of anxiety but it all felt wrong and a mistake and misunderstanding. I didn’t believe it. There just was no way! This was supposed to go perfectly. This is far from perfect. She tells me she wants to refer me to the specialist down the road and he can see me right now.
It was supposed to be a perfect day, this is far from perfect. Still in denial thinking this was all a misunderstanding. I begin chugging water in the waiting room trying to see if the babies position would move and this would all just wash over as a mistake. After all, God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle and well He should know I won’t be able to handle this! The receptionist sends me to my seat with a stack of papers. Do they really expect me to be able to fill this all out right now? Perfect.
“Regina?” Ugh perfect, thank goodness. The wait felt like an eternity but really was probably only 5 minutes. “Cmon back.” I sit down in the chair, this time feeling much more anxious than 40 minutes ago. They could do a surgery right? and fix the baby? They have to.
“The organs aren’t outside of its body…” “Perfect!!!!!! oh thank the Lord!” “No honey, wait, it’s worse.” Those words hit me and it felt like I was punched in the gut. They begin speaking to each other, the tech and doctor, but I didn’t hear a word they were saying. It all just was ringing. My ears felt hot like their words just singed my earlobes like a bullet just missing me.
They told me that he had what they called Potters Sydrome, Renal Agnesis. Very rare. No genetic cause or reasoning that Jordan had it. No answers. Nothing. Terminal. No chance of survival. His abdominal organs weren’t developed. He had partial heart, partial brain. No kidneys, which meant I had no amniotic fluid. They told me he had a 0% chance, only thing keeping him alive right now was me. And I was at an increased risk for going septic due to the state and how I was carrying him, and other factors weighing in.
Options were to pass the baby, or to hold on and risk many things that could prevent me from carrying children. I struggled with this a lot because I was supposed to have this baby, future babies weren’t a worry in my brain! How do they know he won’t make it? Can’t they do something? I didn’t decide right then and there. Not to mention people just sometimes don’t understand, and it’s not always so clearcut black and white. I took time to myself and to pray. I was broken. I was depressed. I was numb. I simply couldn’t make any decision, how was I supposed to?
I prayed and shouted and screamed at God. I felt like He had forsaken me in that moment. Why me? Why my baby? I did everything right. I’m a good christian. I try to be a good person. WHY ME. I screamed at Him one day driving in my car for a sign that I couldn’t deny was Him. I asked for a sign to tell me what to do. In that moment my radio cut out, a balloon shot over my car, and I felt the Holy Spirit just say, “I know your heart. It will be ok. My plans aren’t finished, yet.”
I decided that was the clarity I needed. I had to make the toughest call I have ever had to make. I had to call the doctor and tell him I was ready to schedule passing my child. but I want to do it a way I feel most comfortable with. That is when we came to the agreement to do it at a hospital in DC. it was a two day procedure. My body started labor the first day, the second day they took him and he was born, and also passed. I woke up out of the twilight stage I was there for his time of death, and I vaguely saw the nurses and doctors surrounding the bassinet as they claimed his time of death, before quickly going back to sleep. This I know was the Holy Spirits intervention, I saw the moment he met our Lord and Savior. and though I didn’t realize this then, now I know that was the singular moment that carried me.
The days passing were hard. My milk came in. I was trying to be strong but couldn’t. I was trying to get pregnant again as fast as I could. I was grieving. I was depressed. I was heartbroken. It took everything in me to continue on. Nothing felt like it was worth living. I was more broken than I thought I ever could be. I was empty. This was not at all perfect.
Far Far From perfect.
But he is perfect. Now, He is truly perfect. He is running around the fields of heaven with our creator. He comforts me when I’m searching. And I can say that though these 5 years have been far from perfect, he has truly changed his mama for the better. I eventually found happiness once again. I’m forever changed, but not all in bad ways. I cherish every single moment I have with my loved ones cause I know how quickly it can be ripped away. I understand that this earthly world is only temporary, we are only passing by. One day I will live in eternal paradise, and see my son Jordan again. And that day, that day will be PERFECT.
Jordan Deater, mommy loves you. You have shown me due this earthly world is imperfect, but with Him we are eternally perfect.
Written by Gina D.