This week I was due with my 4th baby.
And this upcoming week, I would have been 10 weeks with my 5th baby.
I shouldn’t be on this beach trip, because I should be home snuggling a newborn. I should be soaking up newborn cuddles with my 3 girls, helping them learn to take turns loving on their little brother or sister.
Although I lost my babies at 8 and 5 week gestation, it still leaves such a hole in my heart for the babies I never got to hold. I never got to kiss their beautiful, perfect little faces. I never got to smell their newborn smell, nor hear their first cries. I never even got to find out if they were a baby girl or boy.
The hardest part of the loss of miscarriage has been bittersweet for me. I am so sad I never got to hold my babies or kiss their faces. Yet, I am also comforted that Jesus is the first person they ever met. That He is holding them for me and keeping them safer than I ever could until I meet them for the first time in Heaven one day.
This picture was a gift to me after my second loss, and it means so very much. It is now a daily reminder in the nursery that Jesus is holding my babies tightly.
My heart breaks for all the mamas who have experienced this kind of loss. I empathized before, but truly could understand the deep sadness and grief of miscarriage until I experienced it, twice now.
However, my faith has grown so much since. I saw a quote the other day that said that the opposite of faith isn’t doubt, but control. There is a lot I feel like I have tried to control with my kids. But ultimately, the Lord is in control. Accepting His sovereign will and choosing to let go of my own control in situations and fully trust in the Lord has been something I have been leaning into the past couple months.
I am thankful for the lives the Lord blessed me with in my womb, and prayerfully hopeful that He will bless my womb, and our family, with a precious baby one day. 
Until then, I cling to comfort that He is watching over my babies no less than He is watching over me on earth. Knowing my pain and heartache, but also knowing the light in the other side that I just can’t see yet. 
Written in Remembrance of two precious angels,
By: Emily Kehr