Our journey started back in 2010. We found out we were expecting about 5 months after we got married. We were so excited but became heartbroken at our first appointment when we found out we had miscarried. I got pregnant a few months later and again went to our first appointment to find we lost that baby also. I was devastated and could not imagine going through this pain again. We decided to try again a couple months later (we were determined to have a baby). We again got pregnant right away and were relieved at our first appointment when we got to see the heart beating and a tiny baby on the screen. The doctors sent us to Maternal Fetal Medicine where we were monitored closely until my 20 week appointment. At that appointment they decided our precious son Charles David was healthy and I did not need to be monitored by them anymore. I continued to go to my regular scheduled pregnancy appointments and his heartbeat was always strong. I woke up on the morning of March 14 when I was 30 weeks pregnant and told my husband that I just didn’t feel right and I hadn’t felt Charlie move much. I had an appointment that afternoon when I left work. I can still remember lying on that bed that afternoon just as if it was yesterday. The doctor came in and tried to find the heartbeat just like he did every other visit, except this time one did not exist. He looked over at David and said I want to try another one. They got another one and that too did not let us hear his heartbeat. He then moved me to another room where they had the ultrasound machine. I laid there praying this wasn’t happening to me. Sure enough, I had to hear those words no parent should ever have to hear “there is no heartbeat”. I was so hurt and speechless. The Doctor said my mom had been asking about me and if it was ok if he sent her in. I was so embarrassed I didn’t want her to come in the room. I felt like once again I had let everyone down. What a failure I was to not be able to carry a baby for myself, for my husband, and for my family. We went over into the doctor’s office and he started to explain what was going to happen next. When he said those word “induce” I was completely caught off guard. So you mean you are going to make me deliver my baby? Why can’t you put me to sleep and take him out? This was such a cruel joke.
They walked me across the street to the hospital where I was taken to the maternity ward and they started the long emotionally draining process. I was able to have my family there with me to help me through the evening. At 7:45 am on March 15 I woke up to horrible contractions and at 8:08am my handsome little boy was born. I was so scared what he was going to look like and I prayed while I was delivering that they were wrong and he was going to start crying. They were right; he was born still, so silent, but so perfect. I got to hold him and share him with our family for about 3 hours. I will never forget the hardest part of that stay at the hospital. It was me handing him over to the nurse and David pushing me out of the room in a wheel chair to my recovery room. I HAD to leave my baby boy there. I didn’t get to take him home like I was supposed to. Thankfully I got to leave a few hours later to go to be in the comfort of my own home. The last thing I wanted to do was hear a newborn baby down the hall crying. As the nurse pushed me out of the maternity ward and down the hallway to the main entrance, I hung my head to the ground. I had envisioned the day I got to leave the hospital and having the car seat on my lap and everyone looking and cooing over my new baby. Nope, not this time. This time I left there with a memory box and a completely broken heart. I had to leave my baby at the hospital to be taken to the funeral home.
We found out after testing that the reason he went to heaven was because of Maternal Floor Infarction. The specialists told us that they would monitor me very closely my entire next pregnancy. We got pregnant 4 months later and were monitored 3 times a week. We had a scare at 30 weeks, I was at the hospital having a non stress test done and they thought I had developed preeclampsia. We were devastated and could not believe something like this was going to happen again, especially at the same pregnancy mark as Charlie. Thankfully it ended up being a false alarm. I ended up being induced at 37 weeks and we welcomed a beautiful healthy little girl on April 7 2012 at 10:28am.
After awhile we were finally on the same page about having another child in the spring of 2014 and we got pregnant. We went to our first appointment and the ultrasound looked great and the heartbeat was strong. I went to work on July 1 2014 (my 29th birthday) and ended up calling the doctor around lunch time due to spotting and not feeling well. We were told to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to find out that we again had lost another baby. I was so angry, why me, why us? What was I going to tell Alaina about her baby brother or sister that was in Mommy’s belly? We went and met with the specialist after getting more testing done and again, no answers to our questions. We have 4 babies in heaven and 1 healthy girl here on earth with us. Alaina has asked here recently for a baby brother on a daily basis. If only it was that easy for me to give her……
Charlie continues to be a huge part our lives and is spoken about in our home on a daily basis. Alaina is very aware that she has a big brother in heaven. It brings me much joy to hear her say his name. I enjoy talking about Charlie and talking to people about his story. We, loss parents, love when you say our babies names. We do not want you to ever forget them. I’m not sure which way our journey will head next, but if we do choose to bring another baby into our family I’m thankful to have my Sweet Grace family by my side.
David & Jessica Quill
